Always Remember Read online

  CHAPTER THREE

  Jessie opened her eyes to the deep darkness of a country road and the familiar surroundings of her childhood home.

  In the distance, moonlight spilled across snow-covered mountaintops, illuminating the familiar countryside. Jessie concentrated on the steady, soothing rhythm of tires against asphalt instead of the silence in the cab and the man maneuvering the vehicle along the highway leading home. The unbroken hum lulled her into a false sense of security as they passed the gently rolling landscape of the foothills and skirted the town of Cochrane.

  Home. The word conjured up a lifetime of decisions she longed to revoke. Jessie tried not to think of the past, but as Nate steered the truck off the highway, every bump in the road dislodged the regrets and reminded her she’d taken the easy way out.

  Almost there. They passed a mailbox, then another and another, surnames she could have recited from memory after years of riding the bus to and from school.

  Home. The end of a long journey. The place where she’d found so much happiness. So much heartache, too. She’d run as far as possible, until she’d come full circle. Now it felt as though she had no place left to hide.

  Nate braked and steered the truck onto the gravel driveway leading to the Coltrane ranch. A single light shone across the main yard, its warm glow a welcome sight in the darkness of the night.

  She braced her hands on her knees and battled the churning in her stomach, the urge to run, the desire to hide from her past until it simply disappeared.

  But it wouldn’t ever vanish because she’d always wonder, worry.

  They drove past the front gate, past bits of snow scattered here and there as though reluctant to let winter pass. Jessie wondered if Nate had ever married, whether he now had the sons and daughters he’d once longed for, a family to fill his house and the empty regions of his heart. Did he have a loving wife waiting for him in his bed? She hoped so. He didn’t deserve to be alone.

  As they continued on the narrow driveway circling the yard, the outline of the barn rose out of the night, then the stables and the bunkhouse. Familiar sights, evoking memories of her youth, happier days when she’d had not a care in the world, when she’d loved with abandon and never imagined the consequences.

  Nate stopped the truck in front of her childhood home and a chill swept over her. The veranda was empty, the porch swing still and silent. She blinked away the sudden moisture in her eyes, heard the truck door creak open and slam shut. The crunch of gravel beneath his boots filled the night as he skirted the vehicle, his movements stiff, unforgiving, as if he already knew the truth.

  Impossible.

  Nate pulled open the door and waited, his gaze steady on her face. What if she blurted out the truth? Would it lighten the guilt or make it worse?

  Definitely worse. She bit her tongue against the rush of words, slid off the seat, and planted her feet firmly on the ground. The mountain air, brisk and alive, seeped through her thin jacket, and she hugged her arms to her body. Staring at the porch, Jessie tried not to think of how dead she felt inside because she’d had no choice but to keep her distance from the man now watching her with an intensity that called to mind his last words to her.

  You’ll come back?

  She hadn’t been able to.

  Water from the creek behind the house gurgled and splashed. From beyond the main yard, the distant lowing of cattle drifted in. The front porch lights were turned low, as though awaiting her return from a date with Nate. Everything seemed as familiar as though she’d just left yesterday.

  Three steps forward, two steps up, then open the door. All she had to do was move one foot, then the other, yet she couldn’t make herself take the first step.

  She stalled. “It still looks the same.”

  “We painted last year. Replaced the windows, too.”

  The low tone of his voice brushed against her like velvet on bared skin, soothing her frazzled nerves, awakening the long ignored urging of her body. She closed her eyes, determined to quell the uneven beat of her heart, to deny the desire to be held in his arms once again, so close together they’d inevitably become one.

  “When Maude got sick, Sam fixed up the room on the main floor. Makes it easier for her to come out and sit with him in the quiet of the evening.”

  “I remember they used to do that.” Mostly, she remembered sitting on the swing with Nate, sometimes talking, sometimes their mouths too busy with other pleasures for them to exchange a single word. She inhaled the sweet fragrance of spring in the mountains and tried to still the quiver of desire that betrayed her need. “I’d forgotten how wonderful the air smells here.”

  A muffled snort of laughter came from behind and with a frown, she faced him. “What’s so funny?”

  “You didn’t used to think so. In fact, the way I remember it, you used to bribe me to clean out your side of the stables.”

  Ahhh, the bribes. Stolen kisses, groping hands, the teasing and taunting and loving they’d shared. She wouldn’t think about that now, not with him standing so close she could inhale the subtle scent of his aftershave, feel the warmth of his body protecting her from the cold.

  It would be far too easy to fall into their old routine. Once they’d been as close as man and wife, spent every possible moment together, planning the family they would someday have, planning their future. In a single heartbeat, everything had changed.

  She turned her back on him and stared at the steps leading to the house. The emptiness of her life engulfed her, shattering the conviction that she needed to come home. It was all she could do to hold herself together, to keep the grief buried deep inside where it belonged.

  His hands on her shoulders brought her around to face him. The brim of his hat shadowed the emotions she might otherwise have been able to see in his eyes. His large hands moved with gentle abandon up and down the length of her arms, chasing the chill from her body, awakening the memory of skin against skin.

  She wished she had the strength to force her stiff lips into the smile she reserved for her fans — brilliant and carefree and easy. Let him believe she didn’t give a damn about what she had left behind. If only she could breeze into his life and out of it with the same ease as that smile.

  “You’re shivering. If you’re going to stay outside all night, I’ll grab a warmer jacket from the truck.”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  She wasn’t cold, not with the heat of his body awakening her own. Even as she raised her face to his so she could look at him, his hands stopped on her arms.

  There was a stillness about him that she didn’t remember from the boy of the past, a watchfulness in the midnight blue of his eyes. Years ago, they had stood on this very same spot, bodies pressed together, arms holding one another close, lips fused together. Their final parting had been bittersweet and poignant. A night filled with promises she’d never kept.

  Had he sensed that she wouldn’t return? Did he ever think about the past, ever wish he could turn back the clock and refuse to let her go?

  Sudden tension radiated from him. He dropped his arms to his sides, his mouth tight as he glanced away. His profile might have been etched in stone, the straight, narrow nose, the strong, square jaw. “Better get inside. Sam stayed up late. Wanted to wait for your arrival.”

  “Sure. Yeah. Right.” Jessie faced the porch, contemplating the steps. One, two, three — maybe if he gave her a push.

  “What’s wrong?”

  She started at the gruff tone of his voice, felt the warmth of him at her back, the strength and security of his presence. All she had to do was turn around and ask his forgiveness. It seemed so simple.

  “Jess? Are you going in or do you want me to take you back to the airport?” Anger vibrated beneath the calmness of his voice.

  “In, definitely in,” she replied as she took a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other, and headed up the steps. She twisted the knob, pushed open the door, stepped inside. The click of the latch closing behind he
r echoed in the sudden silence.

  There was nowhere left to run and hide, so Jessie forced herself to move into the semi-darkness of the bedroom where a nightlight shone in the corner, casting shadows onto the walls. She looked past her mother to where her dad sat beside the bed, his once handsome face newly lined with worry.

  Would he forgive her for staying away for so long? Her heart was bruised enough without adding more guilt to the rest.

  In the mournful silence of the room, he lifted his gaze from his wife’s face, the ready laughter she remembered in his eyes gone, replaced by shades of sadness. She held her silence while he focused on her, experienced a moment of fear before recognition crossed his features.

  Then the lines of sorrow on his face eased. He placed his wife’s hand on the quilt, gave it a loving pat. With hands braced on his knees, he pushed himself to his feet and came around the bed, the stiffness of old age apparent.

  Relief swept through Jessie and she went into his open arms. He clasped her tightly to his chest, squeezing with a strength that belied his feeble appearance. “Oh Dad. I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier.”

  “Hush, sweetie. It’s enough you made it now.”

  She wanted to stay there forever, her cheek pressed against his shoulder, safe and secure like when she was a child. Jessie inhaled the familiar scent of pipe tobacco that clung to his clothes as if he’d just left the porch swing moments before their arrival. Too soon, he released her and turned her toward the bed.

  For the first time since she entered the room, Jessie looked at her mother. Really looked. Her knees turned liquid. Guilt slammed the breath from her lungs.

  “Your Ma’s been asking for you day and night. So afraid we might not get hold of you in time.”

  Without taking her eyes off her mother’s haggard features, she was aware of him moving around to the opposite side of the bed and of Nate stepping forward to stand at her side.

  “She has good days here and there, but mostly now she just wants to sleep. Asks for you whenever she wakes up though.”

  The robust, energetic woman Jessie remembered was gone. The woman lying on the bed was a shrunken, fragile replica of her mother, skin stretched tight over the bones in her face. Hands, once strong and beautiful, were lined with prominent veins and covered with translucent flesh.

  The woman asleep on the bed wasn’t robust and indestructible. She was frail and small and helpless.

  Jessie took her mother’s hand into her own. It was warm, the skin soft as a newborn’s, the flesh sagging with the passing of years. So many of them gone, lost. Wasted.

  As the wail of a long lost child echoed through her thoughts, a sob worked up her throat.

  Oh God, Mother, what did I do? What did we do?

  A tear slipped down her cheek. Choking back a sob, Jessie gently laid the fragile hand back on the bed, turned and collided with the broad expanse of Nate’s chest. He caught her by the shoulders, his touch firm, warm, familiar...missed.

  “Jess?”

  Concern flashed in the shadow-darkened depths of his gaze. How could he still care after all she’d taken away from him? Because he didn’t know. He might never know.

  Pulling free of his hold, she raced from the room, out the front door, and into the quiet darkness of the night.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  The screen door slammed shut, the sound magnified by the silence in the room, the stillness of its occupants. Nate smothered the instinct to follow Jessie and offer comfort, drawing instead on the anger he’d experienced when she’d first walked out of his life. He should have known she’d react like this, run when things got tough. He should have warned Sam her visit might not work out the way the old man was hoping.

  “Suppose my girl’ll be hightailing it out of here before the morning sun rises.”

  “Maybe.” Stay non-committal. Give nothing away.

  For once in his life, he’d like to be selfish, to let Jessie leave. In fact, he’d drive her back to the airport if she asked him.

  Nate scratched his chin, rubbed the back of his neck.

  Only thing was, if Sam or Maude found out he’d helped her escape, would they ever forgive him?

  Would Sara? She’d be plenty mad if she learned he hadn’t done everything in his power to ease Maude’s final days.

  He shifted restlessly, leaned against the doorjamb, and as unexpected compassion softened the anger, wished he could disappear into the woodwork.

  It had to be hard on Jessie, coming home, facing her parents and everything she’d run away from. He didn’t want to feel sorry for her, but the hell of it was, he did.

  Poor Sam. He watched the old man swipe at the moisture in his eyes, his bony shoulders drooped with fatigue and sadness. The crisp swish of material from down the hallway drew Nate’s attention. He moved aside as a woman dressed in a starched white nurse’s uniform slipped into the room and pressed her fingers against the inside of Maude’s wrist. She glanced at her watch, then fixed Nate with a steady look.

  “Back already? Where’s Jessie? Wasn’t she at the airport?”

  Harley Jane Davis. She could either be a guy’s best friend or his worst enemy.

  “Yeah, she was there.” He pushed away from the wall, uncomfortable under the intensity of Harley’s gaze, and hooked his thumbs into the belt loops on his jeans. “Sam, want me to bring Jess back?”

  “Best leave her alone for tonight, boy, but you gotta convince her to stay.” The old man slumped against the backrest, weariness etched across his face. He scraped one hand across his eyes and grasped Maude’s hand with the other. “She’s never said it aloud, but I know my wife. If she has one regret in life, it’s losing Jessie to the city. I’d like to help her go to her Maker in peace.”

  “I’ll do whatever I can to help, you know that, Sam. But I can’t force Jessie to stay if she doesn’t want to.”

  “She has to stay. Her ma...my wife...well, she got a whole heap of reconciling to do. She can’t if Jessie ain’t here.”

  Instantaneous anger fizzled deep inside. “Maude wasn’t the one who left.”

  “Shush.” Harley swatted at him, missed, turned back to her patient and smoothed out the blankets. “You better learn to control your temper, Mister, or I’m not going to let you in here again.”

  “I don’t have a temper,” he muttered. “And you’re too damn sensitive.”

  Turning on his heel, he headed out of the room, silently cursing the woman who followed him out the front door and onto the porch. Harley Davis. Her old man had named her after the beast of a motorcycle he drove around town. Sometimes she was a real pain. She’d known him for too many years, figured she had every right to interfere in his life.

  Like now.

  She grabbed him by the arm before he could escape to find Jessie. “No, you’re the sensitive one, at least when it comes to Jessie.”

  “Drop it, Harley.”

  “Every time anyone mentions her name, every time one of her songs plays on the radio, you go into one of your sulky moods. Poor Sara has to sneak around behind your back just to listen to Jessie’s music.”

  “No, she doesn’t.”

  “Yes, she does. When are you going to quit deceiving yourself, Nate? I saw how much Jessie hurt you when she left. Everyone did. This is a chance for you to close the door on that part of your life and move on.”

  Move on? Where?

  The memories were with him every day and in all the years that had passed, he’d never been able to escape them. He shoved his hands into his pockets and searched the darkness.

  “Why don’t you go find her and offer her a shoulder to cry on?”

  He glanced out at the empty yard. “Anyone ever tell you that you interfere too much?”

  “All the time.” She started for the door, stopped, and patted him on the arm. “Maybe it’s time you both had a chance to say goodbye to the past.”

  Left alone on the porch, he considered all the reasons why he should let Jessie hotfoot it off the ranch,
weighing them against the single reason why he had to keep her from doing so. If not for the woman lying inside, he might never have known the love of his child.

  He squared his shoulders.

  One way or another, he’d make sure Jessie stayed. Even if he had to spend every moment of the day — and night — in her company.

  A light in the main house came on. Had she gone to use the phone, maybe call a cab? Nate thumped down the steps of the veranda and headed across the yard.

  Harley was right about one thing. He’d never allowed the anger to heal. This would be the perfect time to find out why she’d made the choices she had. Then, when she left again, maybe he wouldn’t feel like a part of him had gone with her.

  He bounded up the stairs to the front door and entered the house. Silence. He hated it when Sara was gone, always avoided the house when it was empty — a quirk left over from the early days after Jessie had left and his life had irrevocably changed.

  Within months, he’d lost Jessie, lost his father, then been saddled with a baby. Oh yeah, he’d been hell on wheels that first year. Startled awake twice a night by the hungry cries of his new baby daughter. Struggling to keep a failing ranch afloat. His heart breaking at every turn.

  But he’d gotten over Jessie, or so he’d thought. Now, he found her in the kitchen, leaning against the front of the stove, staring at the floor as though mesmerized by the pristine whiteness of the tiles.

  “Jess?” She didn’t respond. As Nate felt his anger drain away, something far too dangerous to ignore took its place. Tenderness and affection. Once she’d been the center of his world. Why did he have to remember that now? “You okay?”

  She turned her gaze on him. Eyes dull with pain, she reminded him of one of his mares just before he’d had to put the animal down, betrayed by those she’d trusted to take care of her. Jeez, what a hell of an image to conjure up now.

  He closed the distance between them, conscious of her gaze on his face and the familiarity of having her in his home. Reaching into the cupboard over her head, careful not to touch her, he breathed in the scent of her hair as he pulled out a bottle. “I’ve still got your favorite brew. Want a drink?”